____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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