i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Randomize
