forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
