Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
