im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
