I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I just forgot I was standing up.
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