Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
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