I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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