We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just high enough for therapy.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
