I think I died a long time ago.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
