I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
This girl added me on fb and has all these pics of her kissing her little brother saying i will love you forever. I'm creeped out.
maybe it's her son
thats not any better.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
