i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
