My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
