does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Randomize
