Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
everyone is single if you try hard enough
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
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