her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
