my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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