yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
