so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
