me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
My dick has a subreddit
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
