oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
