when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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