He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
FUCK WHALES
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
