Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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