I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Randomize
