I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
