tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
