Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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