names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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