apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
People with herpes should wear stickers.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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