This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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