you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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