my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
