all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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