Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
