Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
