Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
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