My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
