My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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