ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
