Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
