Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
