my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
