oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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