my mouth tastes like poor choices
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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