atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
