Where did you get a picture of my penis
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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