life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
