i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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