The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Randomize
