I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
